I can relate to a lot of what you're saying right now. My OCD has been very severe in the past several weeks and it's hindered my enjoyment of a lot of stuff - I haven't read any proper fanfiction for a while, haven't written anything and can't find any escape. I thought I'd try to read actual books but even when I pick up a book I've got stuff going around my head and a lot of what's happening in the book itself doesn't help, especially if it's dramatic or scary - I can 'feel' the characters' anxieties coming off the pages in waves and they don't feel like an escape either.
During my first few weeks at home, my family would have a film night after dinner and it was the most relaxing part of my day, but even then, there were nights when the choice of film made me more anxious; The World's End, for example, which I really could have done without. Watching television is the only thing I can manage and even then, enjoying the normal stuff like Sherlock or Good Omens makes me sad because I feel as though I can't write fanfiction right now; that's normally my go-to response. I'm even struggling with Endeavour, although I have managed to write a little fanfiction for it. The anxiety just seems to creep in. So I hear you, absolutely. The only thing that's been making me happy is the new BBC drama Staged, because it confronts the world we're currently in, and makes it funny.
Regarding the cutting - I am so, so sorry to hear it and I do have some idea of how hard that can be. With my OCD, I have to resist compulsions; my OCD comes under the religious flag and I've been badly triggered by a lot of evangelical, fundamentalist shit on the internet recently after falling down the Google rabbit-hole and I kept revisiting websites I knew I shouldn't, to try and make sense of what they were saying/double-check what they were saying, which of course made me all the more upset and start seeking reassurance, which is my main compulsion - I either run off to cry to somebody and seek out human contact, or (and this is very embarrassing, a habit left over from my OCD as a teenager, before I was diagnosed) I seek help from a vicar. I've sent a lot of different vicars messages, either in email form or on twitter; affirming, progressive vicars, including the Reverend Richard Coles, who you may or may not have heard of (just in case you haven't, he's a celebrity vicar here in the UK who is famous for being a former pop-star turned priest, and who is openly gay and very supportive of the LGBT community). He replied and everything and he's just one of several religious people I've reached out to in an OCD crisis. I am mortified, but that's what the fear drove me to.
Yesterday, I was finally put on anti-anxiety medication and it's making me see things a bit clearer. I know I can't rely on it to fight my compulsions, but it helps me recognise what the compulsions ARE. Another one I have is repeatedly praying which I just cannot get to grips with. So, while I realise it's nowhere near as painful and distressing, I know what it's like to need to delay something, or distract yourself, and to have trouble doing that. I try and use mindfulness in my case, or being with other people, or putting my phone away, or even grounding; I had to deal with the urge to go Googling this morning and found that grounding - being aware of where I was placing my feet, focusing on what I could hear, and feel, etc - was a great help to me and took the edge off. It hurts my head, not my body, but I do understand at least a little.
no subject
During my first few weeks at home, my family would have a film night after dinner and it was the most relaxing part of my day, but even then, there were nights when the choice of film made me more anxious; The World's End, for example, which I really could have done without. Watching television is the only thing I can manage and even then, enjoying the normal stuff like Sherlock or Good Omens makes me sad because I feel as though I can't write fanfiction right now; that's normally my go-to response. I'm even struggling with Endeavour, although I have managed to write a little fanfiction for it. The anxiety just seems to creep in. So I hear you, absolutely. The only thing that's been making me happy is the new BBC drama Staged, because it confronts the world we're currently in, and makes it funny.
Regarding the cutting - I am so, so sorry to hear it and I do have some idea of how hard that can be. With my OCD, I have to resist compulsions; my OCD comes under the religious flag and I've been badly triggered by a lot of evangelical, fundamentalist shit on the internet recently after falling down the Google rabbit-hole and I kept revisiting websites I knew I shouldn't, to try and make sense of what they were saying/double-check what they were saying, which of course made me all the more upset and start seeking reassurance, which is my main compulsion - I either run off to cry to somebody and seek out human contact, or (and this is very embarrassing, a habit left over from my OCD as a teenager, before I was diagnosed) I seek help from a vicar. I've sent a lot of different vicars messages, either in email form or on twitter; affirming, progressive vicars, including the Reverend Richard Coles, who you may or may not have heard of (just in case you haven't, he's a celebrity vicar here in the UK who is famous for being a former pop-star turned priest, and who is openly gay and very supportive of the LGBT community). He replied and everything and he's just one of several religious people I've reached out to in an OCD crisis. I am mortified, but that's what the fear drove me to.
Yesterday, I was finally put on anti-anxiety medication and it's making me see things a bit clearer. I know I can't rely on it to fight my compulsions, but it helps me recognise what the compulsions ARE. Another one I have is repeatedly praying which I just cannot get to grips with. So, while I realise it's nowhere near as painful and distressing, I know what it's like to need to delay something, or distract yourself, and to have trouble doing that. I try and use mindfulness in my case, or being with other people, or putting my phone away, or even grounding; I had to deal with the urge to go Googling this morning and found that grounding - being aware of where I was placing my feet, focusing on what I could hear, and feel, etc - was a great help to me and took the edge off. It hurts my head, not my body, but I do understand at least a little.
And I'm so proud of you. <3