Book Bingo: June 2020 - Final

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

First and last, a big thank you to kingstoken who provided the card and thus made a fervent wish (to do a book bingo) come true for this reader.



Banned Book: Les Fleurs du Mal by Charles Baudelaire [translator: Richard Howard]. I loved this book, and I bought it, and it's a keeper. But to be fair, this was my process for each poem: read in French, listen to French (on librivox.org), read English. It was the first book in a long, long time that I have actually had to look up words (the English words!) and that makes me very happy. That's a poet translating a poet and making another poet very happy. And Baudelaire was a miserable bastard (and so am I, these days) so I feel a kindred spirit when I read these poems. Also, lesbians and vampires.

Classic: The Brothers Karamazov by Fydor Dostoevsky. 700 pages of ugh. I even read the Cliff Notes along with it so I understood better what I was reading but still, ugh. There was one line that reminded me of Crowley (of Good Omens) and my Season of Kink bingo card.

But he is not Satan: that's a lie. He is an impostor. He is simply a devil — a paltry, trivial devil. He goes to the baths.

I had planned to read Orlando by Virginia Woolf but the opening scene of that book is Orlando playing sword-fighting with shrunken African heads hanging in his family's attic. I couldn't go on after that. The boys' father is African and the decapitated heads of Africans are not toys for children to play with. It makes me rather ill. So I literally googled 'classic literature' and scrolled across the listing to find one that I hadn't read and that I would consider reading. I didn't realize how long The Brothers Karamazov was when I picked it out but I am stubborn and when I did figure it out, I was too stubborn to quit. Also, I am very tired of the 'village idiot girl' gets pregnant trope.



I have been struggling lately with my choice of literature. Apart from this bingo, I read and listen to mysteries. And mysteries, as a genre, almost always include a police element, if not the police as the main protagonist and hero. I know that these detectives are fictional, and that real police do not operate like that. In real life, they don't help, they don't solve problems, and are, in every case, part of the problem. They are there to protect property, not people. Violent, racist, and when not actively being violent, looking the other way so that their violent colleagues can operate with impunity (both on the job and off of it, in situations of domestic violence). So, for example, I turn on an audiobook of Maigret [which is kind of like a French episode of Law & Order] to distract me from the torture of cooking dinner and there is no joy, no distraction, just another layer of torture that it is something that used to provide escape, but doesn't. I understand the answer is to switch genres but that is easier said that done. I am in-between places. Not able to find pleasure in what I used to enjoy and not yet having discovered a replacement.

And I did not enjoy two of the books that people I admire enjoyed and so I would really, really like to cut, I'm dying to cut, actually but I may have an opportunity to go to a BLM vigil tomorrow afternoon and I don't want to hold up my sign with arm slash marks (it's 90 degrees here, so long sleeves would be uncomfortable) so I am postponing it. I feel also that I don't even harm myself for a noble anxiety, like police brutality or systemic racism, just these petty personal failings that matter to no one but my hateful brain. Not liking a book, who cares? My brain does. A lot.



So here's the full list:


The First Book in a Series: A Death in Vienna by Frank Tallis [ebook]
Diverse Reads: The Widows of Malabar Hill by Sujata Massey
More than 300 pages: The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides [audiobook]
Humour: Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh
Non-fiction: The Interior Castle by Saint Teresa of Avila
Book Mentioned in Another Book: Death Comes to the Archbishop by Willa Cather
Book on Display at the Library: Transcription by Kate Atkinson [audiobook]
Movie/TV tie-in: War Horse by Michael Morpurgo [audiobook]
Banned Book: Les Fleurs du Mal by Charles Baudelaire [translator: Richard Howard]
An Animal on the Cover: Devotions by Mary Oliver
Set in Your Country: We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson [audiobook]
Classic: The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky [e-book]
FREE SPACE: The Moving Toyshop by Edmund Crispin [audiobook]
Mystery/Crime: This Poison Will Remain by Fred Vargas
Food/Cooking: Tea Cyclopedia by Keith Souter [e-book].
Title has a Name in It: Lord Darcy Investigates by Randall Garrett (e-book)
Children/YA: Clay the Cromer Crab and the Invasion of the Jeellyfish by Salena Dawson
Colour in the Title: Colour Scheme by Ngaio Marsh [ebook]
Award-winning Book: Ancillary Justice by Anne Leckie
Dystopian: A Canticle for Leibowitz by Walter M. Miller, Jr.
Published in 2020: Slippery Creatures by K. J. Charles [e-book]
Romance: Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston
An Author You've Never Read Before: The Raven Tower by Anne Leckie [audiobook]
100 pages or less: Binti by Nnedi Okorafor
POC Author: The Frangipani Tree Mystery by Ovidia Yu

Comments

[smallhobbit]

I am so impressed that you have completed your book bingo, without using any replacement categories. That's truly impressive.

I'm really sorry you're having trouble with mysteries and that they're not providing you with the distraction they once had. These are not easy times.

I honestly don't think it matters that you don't enjoy every book that other people like - there's always going to be some differences, and while certain things work for some they don't always work for others. I think it simply adds to the diversity, which is something to be celebrated.

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

Thank you! I think it achieved what I hoped it would: getting me to read outside of my comfort zone.

Yeah, I mean, it's just the nature of the genre that there are police. And it's difficult for me to maintain the suspension of disbelief in the premise that police are helpful and useful to society. I had thought I'd found the perfect 'while cooking' audiobook in Maigret but I just got sort of ill with all that's going on in the US. I mean, Inspector Slack (if he were American) might push Miss Marple to the ground and let her bleed out of her ear while his colleagues watch and do nothing and 57 colleagues resign when he gets disciplined for it (what happened in Buffalo, NY recently).

I stopped with the Maigret then went back one night when I was desperate for something and there was a line that a woman who wasn't wearing a bra had breasts that were 'weary' and there was an idiot village girl who got pregnant and I shut it off for good.

I know it's a small problem to have, and it's evolution. I just don't see yet what I'm going to evolve to, if that makes sense.

I know it isn't every book. But these are books I wanted to like because people I admire like them a lot. I mean, if you rec a book about WWI and I try it and don't like it, well, I don't feel so bad because it's Your Thing and not really My Thing, but these are books that my brain feels like I Ought To Like and Don't. I suppose that's the real problem. I ought not to think I Ought To Like certain books.

[ellieet]

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying right now. My OCD has been very severe in the past several weeks and it's hindered my enjoyment of a lot of stuff - I haven't read any proper fanfiction for a while, haven't written anything and can't find any escape. I thought I'd try to read actual books but even when I pick up a book I've got stuff going around my head and a lot of what's happening in the book itself doesn't help, especially if it's dramatic or scary - I can 'feel' the characters' anxieties coming off the pages in waves and they don't feel like an escape either.

During my first few weeks at home, my family would have a film night after dinner and it was the most relaxing part of my day, but even then, there were nights when the choice of film made me more anxious; The World's End, for example, which I really could have done without. Watching television is the only thing I can manage and even then, enjoying the normal stuff like Sherlock or Good Omens makes me sad because I feel as though I can't write fanfiction right now; that's normally my go-to response. I'm even struggling with Endeavour, although I have managed to write a little fanfiction for it. The anxiety just seems to creep in. So I hear you, absolutely. The only thing that's been making me happy is the new BBC drama Staged, because it confronts the world we're currently in, and makes it funny.

Regarding the cutting - I am so, so sorry to hear it and I do have some idea of how hard that can be. With my OCD, I have to resist compulsions; my OCD comes under the religious flag and I've been badly triggered by a lot of evangelical, fundamentalist shit on the internet recently after falling down the Google rabbit-hole and I kept revisiting websites I knew I shouldn't, to try and make sense of what they were saying/double-check what they were saying, which of course made me all the more upset and start seeking reassurance, which is my main compulsion - I either run off to cry to somebody and seek out human contact, or (and this is very embarrassing, a habit left over from my OCD as a teenager, before I was diagnosed) I seek help from a vicar. I've sent a lot of different vicars messages, either in email form or on twitter; affirming, progressive vicars, including the Reverend Richard Coles, who you may or may not have heard of (just in case you haven't, he's a celebrity vicar here in the UK who is famous for being a former pop-star turned priest, and who is openly gay and very supportive of the LGBT community). He replied and everything and he's just one of several religious people I've reached out to in an OCD crisis. I am mortified, but that's what the fear drove me to.

Yesterday, I was finally put on anti-anxiety medication and it's making me see things a bit clearer. I know I can't rely on it to fight my compulsions, but it helps me recognise what the compulsions ARE. Another one I have is repeatedly praying which I just cannot get to grips with. So, while I realise it's nowhere near as painful and distressing, I know what it's like to need to delay something, or distract yourself, and to have trouble doing that. I try and use mindfulness in my case, or being with other people, or putting my phone away, or even grounding; I had to deal with the urge to go Googling this morning and found that grounding - being aware of where I was placing my feet, focusing on what I could hear, and feel, etc - was a great help to me and took the edge off. It hurts my head, not my body, but I do understand at least a little.

And I'm so proud of you. <3

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

I am sorry that you've been suffering lately. It is a very anxious time, but that doesn't make it any easier on an individual level. And, yes, it is frustrating when you can't find a release (or when you find a less than optimal way of releasing). But at least you're getting help (re: your meds) and that's wonderful. You are taking positive steps to get on with your life despite the anxiety and compulsions. So I think you should feel good about that. Yes, things are awful but you are fighting back. And so I am proud of you, too :)

I'm sort of stuck in a lot of ways. I have black sons who will grow up to encounter systemic racism and violence (police and otherwise). Their father is black and so he knows what it feels like to walk around in black skin (and the discrimination and racism that comes with that) but neither of us grew up as black Americans so it is different in that way. And I cut ties with my extended family (except for my sister) because they voted for Trump in 2016 (both my parents died a long time ago). So I don't have a lot of people in my life. I don't work so I don't feel like I have any financial control over my life. So, for example, if my sons' father doesn't want to go to this BLM vigil tomorrow (and he looks like he doesn't) then I won't go even though I am desperate to do something. And I don't feel like I can ask him for money to donate to good causes, like bail funds or other organizations. And I'm a closeted queer because the boys' father doesn't believe homosexuality exists so that shuts down a lot of conversations and opportunities to feel connect to real people, not just my online friends who are really wonderful and supportive.

All this to say, there are a lot of dynamics and reasons to feel trapped and anxious. But you're doing very good to get hekp and use your tools. Really, sometimes in the grand scheme of things, I think cutting is the least of my problems, but it is sort of a signal of how everything else is going. Keep doing good things and I have faith that one day your enjoyment of things will return. Best to you.

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

Oh and please never apologise for your compulsions. I am the last person who would judge you for emailing or tweeting vicars. I have been called That Crazy Bitch on three continents and in many, many languages. I've done decades worth of embarrassing things for stupid brain reasons.

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

I don't know what to say, but I am listening and wishing you well.

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

No worries, there isn't much to say, but thanks for listening and the well-wishes.

[lunabee34]

*hugs*

[mightymads]

I tried really hard to read Karamazovs a few years ago. Couldn’t finish it despite several attempts. They say that in Russian literature everyone suffers: the characters, the writer, and the readers. It’s definitely true about Dostoevsky, although I loved Crime and Punishment and The Idiot, the only two books by Dostoevsky I managed to finish and actually enjoyed.

I’m very sorry that your anxiety level spiked. The current situation in the world is stressful. Turn off the news if it helps and don’t read any more of Russian classics for the time being. Toss mysteries too if they don’t make you feel better. Please take care!

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

Ha! That's funny about Russian literature. It was like being the only sober person at a drunk party. I have read Crime and Punishment, too, but I don't remember much about it.

Yeah, I am not sure what the right answer is. Not likely I subject myself to more Russian literature now that the bingo is complete. But I don't know really what to read or listen to. Thanks for the well-wishes.

[kingstoken]

Congratulations on the black out! You've done amazing! Thank you so much for doing this challenge with me. I wish I had a prize to give you, but instead please accept this gif

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

Ha, ha! That made me laugh. An excellent prize! Thank you again. It was great.

[mafief]

Woot! Look at that finished card! That has to feel good. The year is only half way done - do you have plans for another card?

:::gasp::: Are you going to send Crowley to the Turkish baths? Or Roman baths since he was around during that time. Or did you already do that and I missed the fic?

Also, I am very tired of the 'village idiot girl' gets pregnant trope.
Don’t like this trope as well. I’ll need to remember to add it to my “don’t like” list.

Were you planning on visiting the BLM on the city street in DC? My sister (who lives in DC) visited and it was worth seeing. Lots of folks there.

Would you consider going to another event where short sleeves would be more comfortable thus giving yourself another milestone to further postpone?

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

Thank you! No, one a year is enough. If kingstoken or someone else makes a new one in January, I'll do it again, though, with at least some different categories.

Yes, I was planning to send Crowley to the Turkish bath. But, you know, I know nothing about Roman baths so that is a great suggestion. I might learn a bit about them and that might give me something non-fiction to read about that might actually be interesting to me. Great idea. I mean, after Aziraphale tempts him with oysters, who knows what will happen? :)

Yeah, it popped up in The Brothers Karamazov and in one of my Maigret stories in the span of a week, so it isn't something I would normally notice but I really don't like it.

No, not DC. That's a long trip for me, and I'd have to go alone and I wouldn't know where to go or anything. I went to the Women's March (the first one) in DC and there were buses organized from where I live and I went by myself and it was ok. If they do that (the buses) for the thing Al Sharpton is planning at the end of August on the Mall, I might do that.

I don't know. I don't get out much, but it would be a good strategy. I mean, when soccer is in season I try to keep the cutting to a minimum because I'm around other people a lot more but sometimes I just say 'fuck it' because the pull is too strong, and I'm already lost so what do I care what a bunch of people who don't understand me or my issues anyway think about me? I can't think of anything I'd want to actually go to.

[write_out]

Congrats on the book bingo! It looks like you've tackled a quite impressive and diverse list of books!

Have you ready anything by Minette Walters, out of curiosity?

Big hugs for everything else.

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

Thanks you! Yes, it's a nice assortment. I have enjoyed it.

No, but my library has several by her so I'll check her out.

Thank you! Hope things are going better for you today.

[luthienberen]

Congratulations on achieving Book bingo!

I am sorry to hear you are having trouble reading mysteries and your anxiety levels have risen and the desire to hurt yourself is strong. I hope you can find comfort in a new genre soon. Wishing you all the very best xxx

Re not liking books recommended to you by those you admire, I completely understand and have been there. It is tough, but I try to remember we can't all like the same things and appreciating that diversity does help. Not easy though!

[stonepicnicking_okapi]

Thank you!

I am listening to some Raymond Chandler radio dramas right now and they aren't too bad. Also, I went to a BLM event on Sunday with my family so I am feeling better about that. The urge to cut has subsided.

It's true that we can't all like the same things, but I suppose I am always looking for people who do like the same things as me so that I can talk about them. And the more of those there are, the better. I don't play video games or watch a lot of TV so that rules out a lot of possibilities for me to connect to others. But I appreciate the support and will try to let it go. Time helps and I'm starting to clean the flat so that's keeping me distracted and too exhausted to care as much.

Cheers.

[luthienberen]

:-)

I am so glad you are feeling better and were able to attend a BLM event as you wished. I hope the Raymond Chandler radio plays continue to improve.

It's true that we can't all like the same things, but I suppose I am always looking for people who do like the same things as me so that I can talk about them. And the more of those there are, the better.

100% with you on this. I do wish you well with this, maybe despite these difficult times more people will rec books etc so there is a greater chance of those connections happening. I live in hope!

*hugs*