stonepicnicking_okapi

Title: Holmes's Vices
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes (ACD)
Rating: Mature for sex, drug use, and foul language
Length: 345
Notes: a parody of one of my favourite poems of all time, Ogden Nash's A Drink With Something in It

There is something about this solution
an elixir which stimulates dearly
a murky, a quirky solution
which sheds light transcendentally clearly
There is something about this solution
that banishes boredom and bane
it’s not the taste, nor the tint
and though but seven percent
I think it must be the cocaine.

There is something about a syringe
with needle decidedly beveled
it expels every care with a twinge
it dispels all arch demons bedeviled
There is something about a syringe
no matter how hands stick or spin it
it could be its space
in a fine Moroccan case
but I suspect it’s the morphia in it.

There’s something about an old pipe
which does more than any ol' tonic could
a trusty (not rusty) old pipe
whether black clay or briar root or cherrywood
There is something about an old pipe
that gives much more than it tokes
Is it man’s base need to suckle?
No, though the thought makes me chuckle,
so, I suppose, it’s the tobacco it smokes

There’s something about a good bottle
thin neck, heavy glass, and a cork
It makes a poor sod into Aristotle
when besieged by the right bit of torque
There’s something about a good bottle
which makes the lonely regard the divine
I pine for its shape
from bottom to nape
but only when filled up with wine.

There’s something about a hard fuck
that wipes the mind clean like a slate,
from pump-thrust to slap-tickle-buck
the result is a blissful raw state
There’s something about hard fuck
when you’re caught between hard place and rock
but spit, shouts, and sweat
are all circumspect
what it really comes down to is cock.

There’s something about a shrewd puzzle
that makes the brain’s faculties roar
a fine crime puts all needs in a muzzle
a clever scheme, I want nothing more
There’s something about a shrewd puzzle
with some twists, a few turns, and a quirk
Forget the sex, drugs, and wine
I’ll be doing just fine,
if I can have my nice vice, oh, the Work!