![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Into the Void
Aug. 20th, 2023 04:24 pmThe boys' swimming lessons have ended, and soccer season has begun. Minisculus had his first scrimmages yesterday. He did okay.
But I had a chat with a soccer mom and it made me feel very depressed and self-loathing because she asked about my situation and was dismayed at my life choices. Mainly she was dismayed I had quit being a nurse and 'missed out on all that COVID money?!?' I know I am a failure. But it was a harsh reminder of it.
I was only a nurse for 3 years. I haven't worked at all in 8 years. The only job I could get as a new nursing graduate was at a nursing home (I applied at 60 different places and got 4 interviews and the only reason I got a job was that the boys' father knew someone in the kitchen of the nursing home) and it was very stressful and traumatizing. And I wasn't a good nurse. They hid me when the state inspectors came because I could not pass out meds fast enough (you have to do everyone in a short time window). We were always very very understaffed and when I was pregnant it was sometimes dangerous with very heavy (300+lb) patients. My supervisors were always threatening me with the state and having my license taken away and we had to clock out and work without pay to finish paperwork after our shift was over. All this to say, I could go back to work as a nurse (and--according to soccer mom make $150 an hour--yeah right!) but no one wanted to hire me then and I don't think they will hire me now even if I did the courses to get my license active again.
I have no ambition. There's no work I want to do. I am blank. I'd like to make money and do something but I don't know what. Anyway, this soccer mom made me feel very bad, like I am missing out on all these opportunities (that I don't think really exist) to make money.
Truly, my plan is to get a disease and die. My own mother died at 48 and I am 48 so, you know, I guess I am just waiting for Something to Happen. But I recognize that that's kind of ridiculous.
Anyway, I am just putting this out there. I don't really want any solutions. There aren't any. Just I hate interacting with other people because anything beyond small talk is just fraught with peril and stab-myself feelings. I haven't had the urge to self harm in years. But it (the urge, I didn't do anything about it) definitely popped up yesterday.
But I had a chat with a soccer mom and it made me feel very depressed and self-loathing because she asked about my situation and was dismayed at my life choices. Mainly she was dismayed I had quit being a nurse and 'missed out on all that COVID money?!?' I know I am a failure. But it was a harsh reminder of it.
I was only a nurse for 3 years. I haven't worked at all in 8 years. The only job I could get as a new nursing graduate was at a nursing home (I applied at 60 different places and got 4 interviews and the only reason I got a job was that the boys' father knew someone in the kitchen of the nursing home) and it was very stressful and traumatizing. And I wasn't a good nurse. They hid me when the state inspectors came because I could not pass out meds fast enough (you have to do everyone in a short time window). We were always very very understaffed and when I was pregnant it was sometimes dangerous with very heavy (300+lb) patients. My supervisors were always threatening me with the state and having my license taken away and we had to clock out and work without pay to finish paperwork after our shift was over. All this to say, I could go back to work as a nurse (and--according to soccer mom make $150 an hour--yeah right!) but no one wanted to hire me then and I don't think they will hire me now even if I did the courses to get my license active again.
I have no ambition. There's no work I want to do. I am blank. I'd like to make money and do something but I don't know what. Anyway, this soccer mom made me feel very bad, like I am missing out on all these opportunities (that I don't think really exist) to make money.
Truly, my plan is to get a disease and die. My own mother died at 48 and I am 48 so, you know, I guess I am just waiting for Something to Happen. But I recognize that that's kind of ridiculous.
Anyway, I am just putting this out there. I don't really want any solutions. There aren't any. Just I hate interacting with other people because anything beyond small talk is just fraught with peril and stab-myself feelings. I haven't had the urge to self harm in years. But it (the urge, I didn't do anything about it) definitely popped up yesterday.
