![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
stonepicnicking_okapiHopefully, this will be the last personal rant for a while.
So the boys and I went to a memorial service on Monday for an older lady with whom I've been meditating regularly for the past 14 years. It was a lovely service, really, no one could've asked for more in terms of a tribute to a long and full life. She had been an aviator, she had a species of insect named after her, lots of travel and gardening and just a lot of beautiful testimonies and photographs.
The boys behaved themselves. Minor and I both had wardrobe malfunctions. His trousers split (on the way out the door of the flat). It wasn't his fault. I think the trousers were just poorly made. They were brand new, only tried on once, and bought for this specific occasion. I had to safety pin them together because he doesn't have any trousers (I haven't bought him any autumn clothes yet and he wears shorts 75% of the year anyway). And I decided to wear my heels (I have 2 pair of dress shoes, one pair of black flats and one pair of black heels), which I haven't worn in years. They had a small crack when I put them on but by the time we returned from the memorial service 25% of the black had peeled off. Like a sunburn or a snake shedding its skin. It was bizarre and looked awful. I haven't binned them yet because I want to see if they still make this particular brand and type of shoe so I can order another pair because they are the most comfortable heels I've ever worn (which is, of course, why they've survived). I also haven't binned them because when I put them on, I actually had a visceral stab of physical pleasure. I liked wearing them. I enjoyed it. I am always surprised that I can actually feel these things. But I can! And of course 'feet' is on the list of kinks for Kinktober so I am going to try to capture the sensation for a ficlet.
Yesterday was my wedding anniversary and I managed to get through it without hurting myself. That was good. I only texted briefly with the boys' father. He didn't mention it, so, of course, I didn't either. That was good, too. I am very glad I didn't have to buy a card because that is a very, very dangerous thing for me, mentally, for some reason. So, crisis avoided. It helped that I had an event to go to at Minor's school that lasted fairly late (for us).
I know you are all happily married and that's wonderful and I applaud you and support you. But I hate being married. I don't hate the person I'm married to, I just hate being married. I try not to think about it but of course there are reminders (like yesterday). I was with him for love and affection and compatibility and all those nice things but (looking back) I can see that I married him out of guilt and fear and obligation. I read somewhere that regret is related to choice. Back then, I thought I had only 2 choices. Now, I see I had more but I don't think anything back then would've convinced me that I had more. And marriage was definitely the lesser of the two evils. Of course, now, for financial reasons, I don't have any choice. But I am trying to forget again, and it will come. If you assign yourself enough chores, you can forget anything.
Minor has decided to play the bass in the orchestra! I rented one on Saturday. It is enormous (and it's only a 1/8 bass). Life's about to get noisy, too!
So the boys and I went to a memorial service on Monday for an older lady with whom I've been meditating regularly for the past 14 years. It was a lovely service, really, no one could've asked for more in terms of a tribute to a long and full life. She had been an aviator, she had a species of insect named after her, lots of travel and gardening and just a lot of beautiful testimonies and photographs.
The boys behaved themselves. Minor and I both had wardrobe malfunctions. His trousers split (on the way out the door of the flat). It wasn't his fault. I think the trousers were just poorly made. They were brand new, only tried on once, and bought for this specific occasion. I had to safety pin them together because he doesn't have any trousers (I haven't bought him any autumn clothes yet and he wears shorts 75% of the year anyway). And I decided to wear my heels (I have 2 pair of dress shoes, one pair of black flats and one pair of black heels), which I haven't worn in years. They had a small crack when I put them on but by the time we returned from the memorial service 25% of the black had peeled off. Like a sunburn or a snake shedding its skin. It was bizarre and looked awful. I haven't binned them yet because I want to see if they still make this particular brand and type of shoe so I can order another pair because they are the most comfortable heels I've ever worn (which is, of course, why they've survived). I also haven't binned them because when I put them on, I actually had a visceral stab of physical pleasure. I liked wearing them. I enjoyed it. I am always surprised that I can actually feel these things. But I can! And of course 'feet' is on the list of kinks for Kinktober so I am going to try to capture the sensation for a ficlet.
Yesterday was my wedding anniversary and I managed to get through it without hurting myself. That was good. I only texted briefly with the boys' father. He didn't mention it, so, of course, I didn't either. That was good, too. I am very glad I didn't have to buy a card because that is a very, very dangerous thing for me, mentally, for some reason. So, crisis avoided. It helped that I had an event to go to at Minor's school that lasted fairly late (for us).
I know you are all happily married and that's wonderful and I applaud you and support you. But I hate being married. I don't hate the person I'm married to, I just hate being married. I try not to think about it but of course there are reminders (like yesterday). I was with him for love and affection and compatibility and all those nice things but (looking back) I can see that I married him out of guilt and fear and obligation. I read somewhere that regret is related to choice. Back then, I thought I had only 2 choices. Now, I see I had more but I don't think anything back then would've convinced me that I had more. And marriage was definitely the lesser of the two evils. Of course, now, for financial reasons, I don't have any choice. But I am trying to forget again, and it will come. If you assign yourself enough chores, you can forget anything.
Minor has decided to play the bass in the orchestra! I rented one on Saturday. It is enormous (and it's only a 1/8 bass). Life's about to get noisy, too!
no subject
Date: 2019-09-19 07:51 pm (UTC)I am sorry about the wardrobe malfunctions, hope you find the same brand shoes -when shoes are comfortable and make one feel good I know how important it is to find out a similar pair!
Sorry that today was so tough, but huge cheer for getting through it so successfully :)
no subject
Date: 2019-09-20 12:30 am (UTC)Thank you!
no subject
Date: 2019-09-19 08:10 pm (UTC)I'm sorry you've had such a difficult few days, and hope now that's past things will be better again for you.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-20 12:27 am (UTC)Yeah, I think so. Minor has an event at his school tomorrow night and Saturday is another soccer game, of course, so we'll be busy until Saturday afternoon.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-24 06:13 am (UTC)Sorry about wardrobe issues, I have one pair of shoes I have had for over 30 years...re heeled a couple of times and returned to when required:-)
Sad re tough times, proud of you for getting through it...hope mind settles more now, am around if you find yourself less busy than you would like to be.
no subject
Date: 2019-09-24 02:03 pm (UTC)I am grieving the loss of them. If it was just the heel, maybe I could save them. But they are peeling like reptiles. I haven't searched for replacements.
Thank you. My war with the flies is distracting. And soccer :) But it does seem that everyone's doing better at this life business than I am :/