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stonepicnicking_okapiHopefully, this will be the last personal rant for a while.
So the boys and I went to a memorial service on Monday for an older lady with whom I've been meditating regularly for the past 14 years. It was a lovely service, really, no one could've asked for more in terms of a tribute to a long and full life. She had been an aviator, she had a species of insect named after her, lots of travel and gardening and just a lot of beautiful testimonies and photographs.
The boys behaved themselves. Minor and I both had wardrobe malfunctions. His trousers split (on the way out the door of the flat). It wasn't his fault. I think the trousers were just poorly made. They were brand new, only tried on once, and bought for this specific occasion. I had to safety pin them together because he doesn't have any trousers (I haven't bought him any autumn clothes yet and he wears shorts 75% of the year anyway). And I decided to wear my heels (I have 2 pair of dress shoes, one pair of black flats and one pair of black heels), which I haven't worn in years. They had a small crack when I put them on but by the time we returned from the memorial service 25% of the black had peeled off. Like a sunburn or a snake shedding its skin. It was bizarre and looked awful. I haven't binned them yet because I want to see if they still make this particular brand and type of shoe so I can order another pair because they are the most comfortable heels I've ever worn (which is, of course, why they've survived). I also haven't binned them because when I put them on, I actually had a visceral stab of physical pleasure. I liked wearing them. I enjoyed it. I am always surprised that I can actually feel these things. But I can! And of course 'feet' is on the list of kinks for Kinktober so I am going to try to capture the sensation for a ficlet.
Yesterday was my wedding anniversary and I managed to get through it without hurting myself. That was good. I only texted briefly with the boys' father. He didn't mention it, so, of course, I didn't either. That was good, too. I am very glad I didn't have to buy a card because that is a very, very dangerous thing for me, mentally, for some reason. So, crisis avoided. It helped that I had an event to go to at Minor's school that lasted fairly late (for us).
I know you are all happily married and that's wonderful and I applaud you and support you. But I hate being married. I don't hate the person I'm married to, I just hate being married. I try not to think about it but of course there are reminders (like yesterday). I was with him for love and affection and compatibility and all those nice things but (looking back) I can see that I married him out of guilt and fear and obligation. I read somewhere that regret is related to choice. Back then, I thought I had only 2 choices. Now, I see I had more but I don't think anything back then would've convinced me that I had more. And marriage was definitely the lesser of the two evils. Of course, now, for financial reasons, I don't have any choice. But I am trying to forget again, and it will come. If you assign yourself enough chores, you can forget anything.
Minor has decided to play the bass in the orchestra! I rented one on Saturday. It is enormous (and it's only a 1/8 bass). Life's about to get noisy, too!
So the boys and I went to a memorial service on Monday for an older lady with whom I've been meditating regularly for the past 14 years. It was a lovely service, really, no one could've asked for more in terms of a tribute to a long and full life. She had been an aviator, she had a species of insect named after her, lots of travel and gardening and just a lot of beautiful testimonies and photographs.
The boys behaved themselves. Minor and I both had wardrobe malfunctions. His trousers split (on the way out the door of the flat). It wasn't his fault. I think the trousers were just poorly made. They were brand new, only tried on once, and bought for this specific occasion. I had to safety pin them together because he doesn't have any trousers (I haven't bought him any autumn clothes yet and he wears shorts 75% of the year anyway). And I decided to wear my heels (I have 2 pair of dress shoes, one pair of black flats and one pair of black heels), which I haven't worn in years. They had a small crack when I put them on but by the time we returned from the memorial service 25% of the black had peeled off. Like a sunburn or a snake shedding its skin. It was bizarre and looked awful. I haven't binned them yet because I want to see if they still make this particular brand and type of shoe so I can order another pair because they are the most comfortable heels I've ever worn (which is, of course, why they've survived). I also haven't binned them because when I put them on, I actually had a visceral stab of physical pleasure. I liked wearing them. I enjoyed it. I am always surprised that I can actually feel these things. But I can! And of course 'feet' is on the list of kinks for Kinktober so I am going to try to capture the sensation for a ficlet.
Yesterday was my wedding anniversary and I managed to get through it without hurting myself. That was good. I only texted briefly with the boys' father. He didn't mention it, so, of course, I didn't either. That was good, too. I am very glad I didn't have to buy a card because that is a very, very dangerous thing for me, mentally, for some reason. So, crisis avoided. It helped that I had an event to go to at Minor's school that lasted fairly late (for us).
I know you are all happily married and that's wonderful and I applaud you and support you. But I hate being married. I don't hate the person I'm married to, I just hate being married. I try not to think about it but of course there are reminders (like yesterday). I was with him for love and affection and compatibility and all those nice things but (looking back) I can see that I married him out of guilt and fear and obligation. I read somewhere that regret is related to choice. Back then, I thought I had only 2 choices. Now, I see I had more but I don't think anything back then would've convinced me that I had more. And marriage was definitely the lesser of the two evils. Of course, now, for financial reasons, I don't have any choice. But I am trying to forget again, and it will come. If you assign yourself enough chores, you can forget anything.
Minor has decided to play the bass in the orchestra! I rented one on Saturday. It is enormous (and it's only a 1/8 bass). Life's about to get noisy, too!
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Date: 2019-09-20 12:27 am (UTC)Yeah, I think so. Minor has an event at his school tomorrow night and Saturday is another soccer game, of course, so we'll be busy until Saturday afternoon.